The Doorway Leadership Model

This is a long-form teaching written for husbands, future husbands, and Christian men who are serious about leading their families biblically.

It is not meant to be skimmed or rushed. Take your time with it. Read it prayerfully. Come back to it as needed.

What follows is a leadership framework God has shaped in me over years of Scripture, surrender, marriage, and fatherhood. It did not come from one book or one sermon, but from walking closely with God and allowing Him to heal, reorient, and lead me.

My hope is that this gives you clarity, courage, and a vision for the kind of home God is calling you to build.

That's me as a baby in the photo I shared during a recent webinar. Just me and my mom. No father in the picture.

I was raised by a single mother in Ghana who did her absolute best, but there was no man in our home. I remember waking up at night and seeing my mom crying and praying, wrestling with pain I did not yet understand. My parents struggled in their marriage and they didn’t even live together to weather the storms that came. This teaching article is not about my parents, but it is important that I paint at least a succinct picture of the kind of home I grew up in. It wasn’t an excellent one. I did not have the mere presence of a father at home to learn from; I did not have a blueprint.

Growing up, I observed the men around me and noticed three patterns.

There were passive husbands who were physically present but emotionally absent. There were controlling men whose leadership created fear and silence. And there were confused Christian men who genuinely loved God but had no clear direction. They drifted between passivity and sudden outbursts, never quite finding their footing.

I did not want to become any of them.

And here is the truth I want you to hold onto from the very beginning:
You do not have to become what you have experienced. God can rewrite your story.

God placed a man in my life who changed my understanding of leadership. He was an Anglican priest with nine children. He became like a father figure to my mom and an uncle to me.

In the short time I observed him and his wife, I saw a kind of strength that was not harsh and a gentleness that was not weak. He led his family with calm authority, deep presence, and sacrificial love. What I was seeing, though I did not yet have language for it, was servant leadership.

That example planted a seed.

During my second year of college at the University of Ghana, I entered a long season of fasting and seeking God. I was wrestling with resentment toward my father, confusion about my purpose, and deep questions about what it meant to be a man who honors God.

It was in that place of surrender that God began healing my heart and reshaping my understanding of leadership.
One of the turning points was forgiveness. My mom had help arrange a phone call with my father a few years back before I went to college. We talked. We apologized. We began repairing what had been broken.

That reconciliation did not truly happen because I tried harder. It happened because God first renewed my heart. He gave me a new heart of compassion toward my dad. I began thinking from his perspective; does he have an awareness of what he’s missing not raising his own son and the joys that come with being an active parent, influencing the next generation? I asked many of such questions.

Here is what I discovered along the way:

Not culture’s way.
Not tradition’s way.
Not even your father’s way.

This posture changes everything. It produces humility. It creates openness. It reminds you that you do not have all the answers.

Romans 11:34 asks, "For who has known the mind of the Lord?" The implied answer is no one. That means we all depend on His wisdom. This is why godly leaders seek counsel. They pay attention to healthy families and learn from them. They ask questions. They are not threatened by learning.

This is also why I came to see my wife differently. Genesis 2:18 describes her as a helper fit for me. Not an assistant. Not a subordinate. An ally.
She brings wisdom, discernment, and perspective that I need. Leadership without humility becomes dangerous very quickly.

Before my wife and I got married, I gave her a small book I designed myself. It outlined the vision and mission for our family. Our values. Scriptures we would memorize. The kind of home we wanted to build.

I did not want to wait until marriage to gain clarity. Jesus' words in Matthew 7:24-27 about building on the rock shaped my thinking. I refused to build a family on cultural norms or broken patterns.

That intentionality eventually formed what I call the Doorway Leadership Model, built on three principles:

Picture yourself as the doorway to your home.
Not a prison gate. Not a control tower. A protective door.

You are attentive to what is coming in and what is going out. You pay attention to what is shaping your family spiritually, emotionally, and relationally.

In Ezekiel 33:7, the Lord made Ezekiel a watchman for the house of Israel. His instruction to Ezekiel was that whenever he heard a word from His mouth, he’d warn or instruct the Israelites. As the spiritual leader of your home, you are called to watch and warn, to protect and guide.

Let me be clear: this is not about micromanaging every detail of your family's life. It is about being intentionally aware on different levels.

Spiritually, it means you are not silent when something questionable enters your home. You notice and address it. You don’t ignore what the Spirit is highlighting to you.

Emotionally, it means you are present enough to pause. When your wife comes home stressed, for example, you put down your phone, look her in the eyes, and sincerely ask, "What's happening? How did you get here?"

Relationally, it means paying attention to the influences shaping your kids and your spouse; their friends, what they are watching, the conversations they are having. But here is what this is not: it is not policing. It is not legislating every interaction. You are observing. You are looking for patterns. And when you notice something that concerns you, you talk about it. You have a conversation.

You are guarding the atmosphere, not controlling every detail.
You need to be that strong man; alert, prepared, spiritually fortified – so that nothing can come in and destroy what God is building in your family.

Being the doorway is not the same as being at the doorway. It means you are spiritually alert. You notice when influences shift. You sense when your wife is carrying emotional weight. You pay attention to what your children are absorbing and becoming.

You are called to point your family toward safety, nourishment, and life by being the entry point.

A picture that helped me greatly is this: Christ is the Sun. You, as the leader of your home, are the moon. Your family/home is the earth.
The moon has no light of its own. It reflects the light of the sun. In the darkness of this world, great leaders with value for wisdom stand before Christ, catch His light, and reflect it into their homes. The longer you stand before the Sun, the more light fills your family and every atmosphere you step into.

There is no shortcut here. Leadership begins with abiding in Christ. If you get t his one wrong, everything else will fall apart. It is frankly, the bedrock of biblical leadership.

The language of biblical leadership is never: “That’s not my job.”; I don’t care.”; “That’s all you.”
It is: “How can I help?”; “Tell me more.”; “What do you need from me to make progress?”.

While my wife spends more time with our children, that does not absolve me of responsibility. I stay engaged. I ask questions. I step in. Ephesians 5:25–29 describes the blueprint for husbands:

Notice the language: nourish and cherish. That is active, intentional care. It is being involved in the details.

When my wife is exhausted, leadership might look like cooking meals or making sure she doesn’t need to stress over what the family is going to eat for dinner. That takes the pressure off her. when our son Charlie struggled with writing, I stepped in creatively to support his growth through drawing first, building his fine motor skills and interest. Now, he writes beautifully.

I genuinely believe to love a person is to anticipate their needs and offer them help and support before they ask. This attitude reflects the character of God. Before He teaches us how to pray, Jesus assures us in Matthew 6:8: “Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.”

I know what you're thinking: "Thomas, if I care about everything, won't I burn out?"

That's a real concern, and I want to address it directly. I've learned two things that help me avoid exhaustion: delegation and recharge.

First, delegation. Caring about everything doesn't mean I do everything myself. I delegate effectively, and that means giving real authority, not just handing out tasks.

For example, the kitchen is my wife's domain. I don't micromanage meal planning or grocery lists. I trust her judgment. When I delegate, I'm saying, "This is yours. I trust you completely." That's giving authority, not creating a to-do list.

Second, recharge is non-negotiable. I have to find ways to release tension and refresh my body, mind, and spirit. For me, one of them is individual prayer times at night when the rest of the house is in deep sleep. Another one is playing soccer. I get out there, I yell, and run just like a kid again for a bit. It resets me. It reminds me that I'm human and I need to invest in my own capacity.

You need to find what that is for you. Whatever it is, don't skip it. Your family needs you at your best, and that means you have to take care of yourself.

Ultimately, being a responsible must translate into how individuals under your leadership feel. For example, I recently insistently talked my wife into hiring a personal trainer and hitting the gym. If I only focused on our income, I’d put such extremely important things off. Health is non-negotiable, I said to her. I happily cut back on a few things in our budget to prioritize her health. We want to have more kids, and for that reason alone, we cannot afford to compromise on your physical, emotional, and mental well-being – I said to her. Later, she let me know how pleasant it is to know how much I care about her, and the extent to which I’m willing to go for her continuous health.

In short, she had come to not only know but feel or experience my genuine love for her. When we lead responsibly, we also teach and model beyond mere knowledge of our love for our spouse and family – we substantiate that knowledge in every individual under our care with empirical experiences that strengthen bonds.

Jeremiah 1:10 speaks of this dual authority:

You carry that stewardship in your home. Not in a tyrannical sense, but in a stewardship sense. You are responsible for what you allow to grow and what you tear down.

Joshua 24:15 declares:
“But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

That is decisive leadership. That is a man taking a stand.

On the positive side, you get to define what your family will become. You can create your own traditions. You can establish patterns of worship. You can model the character you want to see in your children.

For example, we have taught our son, Charlie, that we do not drink soda. It is a health value. And now, even at four years old, if someone offers him soda, he immediately says, "We don't drink soda." That is a value at work. That is what happens when you are intentional about what you are building.

Once it is planted, we do not need to make that decision for him every single time. That single health value has formed his agency. It teaches him the power of yes and no as an individual taking personal responsibility.

On the corrective side, you can tear down attitudes that dishonor God, habits that undermine the values of the family, and influences that pull the home away from Christ or place something or someone (including yourself) at the center of everything.

This is not about being controlling or fearful. It is about being faithful.

When you see your kids talking disrespectfully to your wife, their mother – you address it head-on. “I don’t want to see you address your mom that way ever again. That’s not who we are. That’s not how we do things in this family.” You are not being harsh as the leader, you are being clear and kind; loving. You are establishing boundaries that protect the culture you are building. You are giving them the blueprint or keys to thrive in your home, and that’s what a loving leader does. Discipline begins with clarity and establishment of standard, first.

Let me break down how these three things (values, influence, and atmosphere) work together to shape your home.

Values are the beliefs and principles that guide your behavior and decisions. They are what you stand for. Proverbs 4:23 says: "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life."

Influence is what shapes your family. The music you listen to, the shows you watch, the conversations you have, the friendships you keep. Romans 12:2 warns us not to be conformed to this world. That means we have to be vigilant about what we allow to influence us.

Atmosphere is what results from your values and influences combined. It is the spiritual and emotional climate of your home. Is there peace? Is there joy? Is there the presence of God? Is there a disposition toward swift forgiveness and honor for one another? Or is there tension, chaos, and darkness?

Here is the reality: whether you like it or not, your values and influences are creating an atmosphere. If you allow godless influences to dominate your media consumption and consequently visual and mental space, you will feel the spiritual heaviness.

But if you value God's presence, if you are intentional about the influences you allow as a true doorway, you will create an atmosphere where everyone can thrive and where you are able to quickly spot viruses that corrupt the fabric of the home.

One of the most common questions we get is about how my wife and I handle disagreements.

When Marcie and I disagree, we slow down. We ask questions. We seek clarity. We try to understand where the point of contention is. Is there something we are misunderstanding?

Now, the sequence of this logic is not always as crisp and perfect in every moment of disagreement. But the destination is always the same: slowing down and grounding ourselves in what we know to be true about our relationship. We love each other dearly. We make every effort to manifest that love by maintaining respectful and honorable conduct. We genuinely value our oneness as husband and wife.

Furthermore, she has learned to trust my leadership because it has been marked by humility, repentance, and care. From her end, once she has understood me better and shared her piece, she is usually inclined to trust my decision. She has learned that failure is learning, and if we do not make the best decision, we can always adjust. Trust, once built is a key pillar in any relationship, and we’re grateful to God for the trust we have for each other.

From my end, I listen seriously to her wisdom and often yield when it is best for our family. Marcie is an excellent wife, and I’m blessed to have her. She is a helper fit for me, and that means I need to actually listen to her counsel and reason with her.

There have been times when I have made a conscious choice to let go of my preference for hers because I felt that was the best leadership move. Leadership is not about always getting your way or having all the right answers—it is about discerning what is best for your family.

The key is that we both make a conscious choice to agree. Even if something was not her first preference, she agrees with the direction and never gives me grief about it. When we pick a path to travel on, we do so as a strong and formidable unit. And I take that trust seriously. I do not make decisions lightly, because I know she is entrusting the wellbeing of our family to my leadership.

Unity is a choice. Unity does not mean you never disagree, it means you work through disagreements with humility, patience, and a commitment to peace.

I have developed what I call the P.E.A.C.E decision-making framework. I will give an overview of the framework in this article, but you can also download the full PDF resource for the step-by-step guide by clicking the button below.

The framework follows the following sequence for arriving at a decision:

Go back to what God wants for your family. You cannot live solely on your personal desires or the mere conduct of the majority of society. Psalm 25:4-5 says:

Get her wisdom. She is your helper for a reason. Sit down and have a genuine conversation. Do not just listen so you can eventually do what you wanted anyway. Really hear her. Proverbs 12:15 says:

"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice."

How will this decision affect your family's future? Do not only think about the immediate convenience or benefit. Think about what you are building. Think generationally.

Once you have done your due diligence, make the decision. Your wife needs that security. Even if you are wrong, she will tell you, and you will learn. But do not waver. Do not be indecisive. James 1:6-8 warns against being double-minded.

Be willing to course correct. Be humble enough to admit when you need to backtrack. I recently decided not to pursue a master's degree because I felt redirected to focus on our family ministry. I had to talk to my wife and say, "I'm stepping back from that plan." Humility is key.

I admit, I’ve discussed a lot in this teaching. If it feels overwhelming, start small. Choose one principle. Take one step and remember, you do not lead in your own strength. You cannot do this in your own strength. You will burn out. You will fail. But when you let God build your marriage and home, when you catch His light and reflect it into your home, everything changes.

These books, and more, have shaped my understanding of biblical leadership, spiritual disciplines, and what it means to build a godly home.

But more than any book, stay rooted in Scripture. Let God’s Word richly dwell in you and shape your thinking. Memorize it. Meditate on it.

Psalm 119:105 says: “Your word is a lamp to feet and a light to my path.”

You need that lamp. Your family needs you to walk in that light.

Whether you are married or single, God is inviting you into intentional communion and leadership.

If you are married, yield to God. Let Him show you what biblical leadership looks like in your specific context. have conversations with your wife. Be open to her wisdom. Create space to pray together. Make a commitment to grow.

If you are single, this is the perfect time to seek wisdom and prepare. Do not wait until you are married to start thinking about these things. Write down your values. Study godly marriages. Learn from men who are further along in the journey. Build your arsenal now so you will be ready when the time comes.

With Christ at the center, there is no telling what your home can become and what impact it will drive. I have prayed for you. And I am walking this journey with you. Let us build homes that honor God, reflect His love, and gives hope to a perverse world.

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