The Circle of Counsel

One of the quiet assumptions many couples carry into marriage is that if they love each other, mean no harm toward one another, communicate well, stay committed, and pray together, they will be able to figure everything out on their own.

Scripture tells a different story.

From the beginning, God designed growth to happen within community. Wisdom is shared, burdens are carried together, and faith is strengthened through relationship with others.

Marriage is no exception. In fact, the weight and responsibility of marriage make wise counsel not optional, but necessary.

Culturally, marriage is often framed as a private endeavor. Two people against the world. Handle your issues quietly. Figure it out behind closed doors.

But Scripture consistently paints a communal vision of life and growth.

Marriage magnifies both joy and weakness. It exposes blind spots. It surfaces wounds. It places two imperfect people into daily proximity with the call to become one. That kind of calling requires more than good intentions. It requires wisdom that is shared.

Early in our own marriage, this truth became very real.

I was born and raised in Ghana. My wife was born and raised in the United States. When we got married in China, we were far from our families and home countries. Everything familiar was stripped away. Culture, language, and rhythms of life were all new. We loved each other deeply, yet, we did not evade the weight of adjustment and early conflict.

What anchored us was God working through our small local church made up largely of mature international believers. Some were seasoned counselors. Others were long-married teachers and parents of many children. They invited us into their homes for dinner. We sat at their tables, played with their children, and listened. We were in training for most of what we are today as a couple and family.

In time, we realized something quietly transformative. Our marriage was not being shaped only by what happened between the two of us. It was being formed by who surrounded us.

In our experience coaching couples, we often describe a healthy support system as the Circle of Counsel.

It is not an accidental community or occasional advice. It is the intentional practice of surrounding your marriage with layered, God-centered relationships that offer wisdom, accountability, and encouragement.

At the center of that circle is God Himself.

Prayer, Scripture, and submission to God’s design form the foundation. Every other voice must align with His truth.

Flowing outward from that center are three distinct but interconnected sectors of the circle: Anchors, Companions, and Stewards.

Anchors are those who have walked ahead of you.

They are older couples, seasoned mentors, or spiritual leaders whose lives bear the marks of long obedience. Their wisdom has been tested by time, conflict, forgiveness, disappointment, and perseverance. They are not perfect, but they are rooted.

Anchors stabilize marriages when emotions run high and perspective feels distant. They help couples slow down, ask better questions, and remember what matters most. One of the reasons why they excel at offering a calm posture is because in most cases they can see a better, stronger marriage in spite of what the couple before them might be going through. They’re like guides happily shepherding and providing hope and assurance of the strength a couple possess while not shying from what they could work on.

During our first major conflict as a married couple, we sat before one of these couples from our church in China who generously opened the door to their home to us. They listened carefully and did not rush to fix us. They asked thoughtful questions, gave as an assessment to fill out that gave us time to think and process, and helped us see both the issue and one another more clearly.

That moment reshaped our understanding of strength. We learned that seeking counsel is not a sign of failure. It is an act of humility and faith.

Companions are those who walk beside you.

They are couples in a similar season of life, navigating comparable questions, pressures, and growing pains. They may not always have answers, but they offer understanding and shared experience. They bring resonance rather than resolution.

Companions remind you that struggle does not mean you are doing marriage wrong. They normalize the work without normalizing stagnation. With them, honesty feels safer because comparison feels unnecessary.

These relationships provide shared language, mutual encouragement, and the quiet reassurance that you are not alone on the road.

Stewards are those you are called to walk behind.

This sectr is often overlooked. Healthy marriages do not only receive counsel. They also give it.

Less than two years into our marriage, a couple we knew also got married in China. They were navigating the same challenges we had just faced. Being far from home. Adjusting to culture. Building a marriage without familiar support systems.

Because of what we had received, we were able to invite them into our small apartment and walk with them through conversations, questions, and preparation. We did not have decades of experience, but we had recent, lived wisdom that still keep our hearts and home joyful and our marriage formidable.

That relationship remains to this day. They now lead a thriving marriage ministry of their own and have invited us to speak as guests.

Stewardship reinforces formation. What you pour out, even early on, strengthens what God is forming within you.The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered himself.

Our experience in China did more than help us survive early marriage. It planted a seed.

What began as gratitude eventually birthed Called to Marriage. A small podcast meant to remember God’s goodness and our memories overseas slowly grew into a teaching, training, and outreach ministry. We felt indebted to the counsel we received and compelled to extend it to others.

This is how God often works. He uses community not only to sustain marriages, but to multiply impact.

Marriage is not sustained by one thing alone. It is sustained by humility, wisdom, and the willingness to walk with others.

God never intended marriage to be carried in isolation. From the beginning, He designed growth to happen in community. He places people around us not to replace intimacy between husband and wife, but to protect it, strengthen it, and help it mature.

The Circle of Counsel is not a program. It is a posture.

It is the quiet decision to resist isolation.
The courage to invite wise voices close before crisis demands it.
The humility to receive counsel and the faithfulness to give it.

Some marriages falter not because love disappears, but because counsel never arrives. Others grow strong not because they avoided difficulty, but because they were surrounded when difficulty came.

If there is one invitation we hope you hear, it is this:
Do not wait until marriage feels heavy to seek community. Build your circle now.

As you reflect on this teaching, consider taking one intentional step:

If you would like support as you do this, explore the following resources:

You are not meant to figure marriage out alone.
And you do not have to.

When God is at the center and community is chosen on purpose, marriage becomes not just something you survive, but something that shapes you, blesses others, and reflects His goodness.