Emotional Availability Is Not a Weakness. It's Legacy.

I didn't grow up with my dad, so I never had a chance to see what emotional availability looked like in a father.

Even now as an adult, my dad and I still have a lot of work to do on our emotional connection. And yet somehow, I've never really struggled with being emotionally open with my own children. I can't quite explain how. It's definitely the grace of God and the desire to offer my children something I never had.

But one thing I know for certain: being emotionally available as a father has become one of the greatest priorities of my life. Not because I had a blueprint, but because I know the cost of not having one.

Let me be honest about what it was like growing up without that emotional connection.

There was a void. A yearning for my dad. For his leadership. His nurturing. His training. His inspiration and encouragement.

I've always wanted to make my dad proud. To see him smile because he's joyful that his son is excelling at something important. I yearned deeply to learn form his own experiences in life; his advice. But without that presence, without that emotional bridge, I carried a gap I couldn't quite name.

And that void shaped me. It made me aware of what I wanted to give my own children. It made me determined to break the cycle.

Because here's the truth: what we don't receive, we often don't know how to give. But we can choose to learn. We can choose to be different.

Here’s something I started doing with my son, Charlie.

Every now and then during the day when I'm working from home, Charlie walks up to me and asks me to play with him. Simple request. But I began studying his mood for the rest of the day based on how I responded.

First, I said no once and watched how he'd respond. I explained to him that Daddy had some work-related responsibilities to fulfill and that we could play later.

He was mostly mute and kept to himself for the rest of the day. I could tell he wasn't happy with my answer. I know he really enjoys playing with me, and my "no" hit him harder than I expected.

Then I intentionally said yes whenever I could devote some 10 minutes here and there with him. It’s not the hardest thing in the world to wrestle with him for 10 minutes or read to him despite my often busy schedule. When I was really busy with work, I called him to sit with me and gave him my camera or microphone to play with.

His eyes always lit up.

The boy simply wants to be in his father's space. He's curious about what my work entails. He asks a lot of questions. And when I make space for him, everything changes.

Our bond has deepened. He pays attention to what I say to him or instruct him to do. He's come to understand and deal with discipline better with me. It's almost as though he's matured tenfold in trust, respect, and honor for me and his mom.

I believe by paying attention to his emotional needs and responding in ways that matter most to him at his level, he's become even more stable, mature, and astute in his overall development.

My mom always taught me that children interpret love as one thing: quality time spent and attention given to them. The little 10 minutes of play, reading to him, answering his never-ending questions, inviting him into my world of work, ministry, and recreation; it all goes a long way.

But before he can listen, he needs to know I'm listening to him. Before he can trust my instruction, he needs to trust that I see him. Really see him.

Emotional availability for me means creating space for my children's feelings. But more importantly, it means letting them in on my own feelings.

It means teaching them that emotions are not a threat to their identity. And modeling what love, joy, fear, and even sadness look like in a healthy, whole man.

They have to experience me in my wholeness. I don't have to hide certain parts about myself.

Let me give you an example.

I asked Charlie to pray for me in my search for a new and more lucrative job so I can better care for the family. It was a vulnerable moment. I was letting my 4-year-old son see that Daddy doesn't have everything figured out. That I'm trusting God for provision. That I have needs, just like he does.

To my surprise, that request features frequently in his prayers now.

He really latched onto me expressing my need for a new and better-paying job. He talks about it a lot. He asks me about it. "Daddy, did you get the new job yet?" "Daddy, I prayed for your job today."

And he's only 4.

It's incredible how just a little bit of vulnerability can shape a child's emotional intelligence, trust, and security. By letting him see that I have hopes, challenges, and needs, I'm teaching him that it's okay to have those things too. That it doesn't make him weak. That it makes him human.

Part of not provoking them is being real with them. Not pretending to be invincible. Not hiding behind a stoic mask all the time. But letting them see that their father is a real person who loves, hurts, hopes, and trusts God through it all.

Here's what I'm learning: emotional availability isn't just about making your kids feel good. It's about building a legacy.

When you're emotionally available, you're teaching your children how to be emotionally available to their own children one day. You're showing them what it looks like to be present, to be vulnerable, to be strong enough to feel.

When you let them into your world, you're teaching them that relationships require openness. That love requires honesty. That strength includes tenderness.

When you respond to their emotional needs, you're teaching them that their feelings matter. That they matter. That they're worth your time, your attention, your presence.

And that shapes everything. Their self-worth. Their ability to form healthy relationships. Their capacity to parent well when their turn comes.

You're not just raising children. You're raising future spouses. Future parents. Future men and women who will either repeat the patterns you modeled or break the ones you didn't.

So to the fathers out there who didn't grow up with this, who never saw what emotional availability looked like in their own fathers, let me speak directly to you.

You can still choose to give it now.

You don't need a perfect model. You don't need to have had it yourself. You just need to start.

Start with one conversation at a time.

Ask your child how they're feeling. Really ask. And then listen. Don't fix it. Don't dismiss it. Just listen.

Start with one embrace at a time.

Hug your kids. Hold them. Let them feel your presence physically, not just your provision financially.

Start with one simple high-five at a time.

Celebrate them. Notice what they're doing. Affirm them in the small moments, not just the big achievements.

Start with one moment at a time.

Show up. Be present. Put the phone down. Turn off the TV. Get on the floor with them. Enter their world.

And here's the key: let them into yours.

Tell them when you're struggling. Ask them to pray for you. Share your hopes with them. Let them see that you're not a robot. You're a man. A father. A person who feels deeply and loves fiercely.

That's what breaks the cycle. Not perfection. Presence.

Mothers, you play a critical role in this too.

If your husband didn't grow up with an emotionally available father, he might not know where to start. He might feel awkward. He might default to what he knows: providing, protecting, but staying emotionally distant.

Encourage him. Gently. Not with criticism, but with affirmation.

When he does open up to the kids, acknowledge it. "I love how you talked to them about that." "They really needed to hear that from you."

Create space for him to connect with them. Don't manage every interaction. Step back sometimes and let him figure it out.

And pray for him. Because this is hard work. Especially for men who never saw it modeled. He's pioneering something in your family line. That requires courage. And it requires grace. Concerning the virtuous woman, the Bible says:

When you support your husband in being emotionally available, you're not just blessing your children. You're blessing generations.

If you're a father reading this and you feel the weight of what I'm saying, don't let it crush you. Let it move you.

You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have all the answers. You just have to show up. Emotionally. Consistently. Honestly.

Your kids don't need a superhero. They need a father. A real one. One who loves them, who sees them, who lets them see him.

That's what emotional availability is. And it's one of the greatest gifts you can give.

At Called to Marriage, we believe that strong families are built by fathers who lead with strength and tenderness. Who provide not just financially, but emotionally. Who break cycles instead of repeating them.

If you're ready to build that kind of legacy, we're here to walk with you. Join the Called Community. We're gathering fathers and families who want to do this well.

Share this with a father who needs to hear it. And take the step today.

Be emotionally available. Your children are watching. And what they see in you will shape who they become.