Quality Parenting Is Like Driving a Manual Transmission

If you've ever driven a manual transmission car, you know the difference between someone who understands the gears and someone who's just trying to survive.

The skilled driver listens. They feel the engine's rhythm. They know when to downshift before the hill, when to ease into higher gears as the road levels out. They're in constant conversation with the machine, adjusting in real time to the terrain.

The unskilled driver? They find one gear that feels comfortable and stay there. The engine screams. The clutch burns. The car shudders and struggles, but they keep forcing it because changing gears feels risky.

Parenting works the same way.

Most parents are driving in one gear, wondering why the journey feels so hard. They've found a rhythm that worked when their child was two and they're still using it at age seven. Or they're coasting in neutral, expecting the school, the church, or the culture to do the steering for them.

But parenting isn't automatic. It's manual. It requires attention, adjustment, and the willingness to shift when the terrain changes.

Here's what I see everywhere: parents who think they're doing their job because they're paying for it.

"I send my child to a great school. It's expensive."

"We go to church every Sunday. They're in a good program."

"They're in activities. They're staying busy."

And somehow, that's supposed to equal parenting.

But let me be clear: how much you pay for your child's education, extracurriculars, or church programs is not a measure of how well you're parenting.

Those things can support you. They can supplement what you're doing at home. But they can never replace you.

The teacher managing 25 kids in a classroom cannot give your child what you can give them in 20 minutes of focused attention at the dinner table.

The Sunday school volunteer who sees your child for an hour a week cannot instill reverence for God the way you can when you pray with them before bed every single night.

The soccer coach can teach them discipline on the field, but they can't teach them character in the moments when no one's watching.

That's your job.

The training happens at home. In the car. At the table. In the mundane, repetitive, seemingly insignificant moments that actually shape a soul.

If you're not present in those moments, you're not parenting. You're outsourcing.

I'll never forget the day I taught Charlie his first Bible verse.

He wasn't even three yet, but I'd been watching him closely for months. The way he interacted with books. The focus he brought to tasks most toddlers abandon in seconds. The unusual discipline he demonstrated when he sat at his little drum set.

But it was his love for reading that stopped me in my tracks.

By 18 months, he was picking up books four, five times a day. Not because we made him. Because he wanted to. And by age two, it was obvious: this kid had a brain that was hungry for more than we were giving him.

So one afternoon, I decided to test something.

I sat down with him and said, "Charlie, I'm going to teach you some words from the Bible. These are God's words. Are you ready?"

He nodded.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7.

I went through it with him slowly. Repeated it a few times. And within ten minutes, he had it. Word for word.

"Okay," I thought. "That's impressive. But let's see if it sticks."

Two hours later, I asked him to say it again. I expected him to fumble. Maybe remember half of it.

He didn't stumble once. Not only did he recite the verse perfectly, he remembered the reference. Second Corinthians, chapter five, verse seven. I hadn't even drilled the citation pattern with him. He just absorbed it.

That's when I knew: I needed to shift gears.

If I kept treating him like a typical two-year-old, I'd be holding him back. He was capable of more. And it was my responsibility to meet him where he was, not where I assumed he should be.

Over the next year, my wife and I built a system.

We started with one verse from 1 Timothy. Then one from Hebrews. Each time, I'd quiz him on the previous verses to make sure they were sticking. And they were. Every single time.

So we got more ambitious.

We decided to teach him one memory verse from every book of the New Testament. Matthew through Revelation. Twenty-seven books. Twenty-seven verses. And we'd have him recite them in order.

By age three, he could do it.

My wife made flashcards so he could review them during quiet time or on car rides. We wove it into his routine so naturally that it never felt like a burden. It felt like breathing.

Now, at four years old, we're working through the book of Proverbs. One verse per chapter. Thirty-one verses total.

And here's what shifted: we stopped treating Bible memorization like an isolated activity and turned it into a lifestyle.

We got Charlie his own physical teenage Bible with devotions. Every night before bed, he reads. He uses his mom's little LED reading light and props himself up in bed with his Bible open. That's the rule: the only thing he's allowed to do right before sleep is read Scripture.

And he loves it.

His mom does devotionals with him in the morning at the breakfast table. I go over memory verses with him at night. We ask him what he learned at church. We invite him to pray with us for family members. We bless him before bed.

Our home is not paradise, for sure, but we’ve designed around spiritual rhythms. Not rigidly. Not legalistically. But intentionally.

And here's the beautiful thing: his little brother Nti, who's only one, is already picking up the same habits. He sees Charlie reading everyday. He sees us praying at the table. He's learning what normal looks like before he even has words for it.

This is what it means to shift gears. To pay attention to what your child is capable of and adjust accordingly. To stop assuming you know what they need and start observing what they're showing you.

So what does this look like across different stages? Let me break it down. But before I do, please take what I say about after 4 years with a grain of salt. Why? Because my oldest child is 4 years old. I haven’t parented a 5 year old, let alone a teenager. However, I have been a teenager and a young adult. I have also taught Sunday school as well as high school so I can think with some real references.

First Gear: Foundation (Ages 0-3)

This is when you're going slow and steady, building the base of everything that comes later. You're teaching basic obedience, boundaries, routines. You're establishing that authority is good, that structure is loving, that consistency is safe.

You're not expecting complex reasoning yet. But you're laying the tracks.

Second Gear: Instruction (Ages 4-7)

Now you're building on what you laid. They're ready for more content. Bible verses. Moral lessons. Character training. You're still very hands-on, but you're increasing what you're feeding them because their capacity is growing.

This is where you start explaining why, not just what. Why we obey. Why we're kind. Why we trust God. It’s also when you create even bigger room for your child to express themselves. I believe communication is a foundational skill.

For example, I started a podcast with Charlie. Before we begin each episode, I ask him what he’d like to talk about and I don’t challenge him or suggest anything different. My goal is simple: to train him to be a better thinker and great at communicating his thoughts. I also want him to learn that his dad respects his thoughts and reasoning; that he can communicate with other adults (like daddy); and that he can also learn to listen and reason like daddy by paying attention and asking follow-up questions.

Third Gear: Guided Independence (Ages 8-12)

They're starting to internalize what you've taught. Now you're coaching them to apply it on their own while you're still close by. You're asking them questions instead of just giving them answers.

"What do you think God would want you to do here?"
"How does that verse we memorized apply to this situation?"

You're shifting from doing it for them to walking them through doing it themselves.

Fourth Gear: Freedom with Accountability (Ages 13-16)

They're becoming young adults. You're giving them more rope, but you're still holding the other end. More freedom. More trust. But also more responsibility.

You're having harder conversations now. You're addressing real-world challenges they're facing. You're preparing them for independence, not protecting them from it.

Fifth Gear: Mentorship (Ages 17+)

Now you're transitioning from parent to coach. You're still their father or mother, but the dynamic is shifting. You're there for counsel, wisdom, support. But you're releasing them to walk on their own.

I believe the key is knowing when to shift. I clearly remember going through this period with my mother.

Staying in first gear when your child is ready for third frustrates them and stunts their growth. Jumping to fifth when they're still in second overwhelms them and sets them up to fail.

You have to listen. Watch. Pay attention to what they're showing you.

And then adjust.

Let me say this plainly: if you want your children to love God, you have to teach them to love God.

Not the Sunday school teacher. Not the youth pastor. Not the Christian school. You.

Those people and institutions can support what you're doing. But they cannot do it for you.

You are the one who prays with them at night. You are the one who answers their questions about faith when they come up spontaneously at the dinner table. You are the one who models what it looks like to trust God when life gets hard.

They're watching you. Always.

They're learning what matters by watching what you prioritize. They're learning how to handle emotions by watching how you handle yours. They're learning whether God is real by watching whether you actually believe He is.

This isn't a suggestion. It's a command. And it's not something you can outsource.

So let me ask you: are you shifting the gears?

Are you paying attention to where your child actually is, or are you parenting based on assumptions?

Are you actively training them in the way they should go, or are you hoping someone else will do it for you?

Are you present in the mundane moments where character is actually formed, or are you just showing up for the highlights?

Parenting is not passive. It never has been. And in a culture that's hostile to biblical values, it's more critical than ever that you stay engaged.

Don't let the school raise your kids. Don't let the screen raise your kids. Don't let the culture raise your kids.

You raise your kids. You take the distinguished responsibility, first. And then you can add on any other support you can find in the form of school, church, community, etc.

At Called to Marriage, we believe strong families are built by parents who refuse to outsource their God-given responsibility. If you're ready to be an active, intentional parent, join the Called Community. We're gathering families who want to do this well.

Share this with a parent who needs to hear it. And take the step today.

Shift the gears. Your children are depending on it.